a new direction?
Ummm… yeah… it’s been a while, hasn’t it? To get the awkward explanations out of the way, life has been bat-shit crazy. In a good way, if bat-shit can indeed be good. I’ve been busy living and really sinking my claws into life here. There’s been a lot of French going on, lots of immersion in life and the social structure here, lots of learning, lots of laughing, and lots of stepping out of my comfort zone. If you can become a more well-rounded person in the space of a month, well, that’s what I’ve done.
On the street, on the bus, in the schoolyard, I’m no longer the quiet foreigner that you’d be surprised to hear speaking your language, because you just assumed, since she never said anything, that she couldn’t understand. Now I’m there laughing, chatting, butchering your mother tongue, no doubt, but trying.
Speaking in public is far far out of my comfort zone. In English. Tack on the double whammy of doing it in French, and I’ve been practically mute for the six years we’ve lived here. I’ve lived in my own little cocoon and, franchement, I’m over my own company. I’ve been lonely here, but mostly I’ve been lonely because of my own actions.
So what’s changed? How am I all of a sudden breaking out of my wallflower-persona? It’s a simple little change, but it’s been mind-blowing in its effect. I stopped apologizing for myself. I stopped starting every conversation with, “I’m sorry, I only speak a little French.” I used to do that all the time. Before I even had a chance to make a mistake, I was making excuses for my limitations. I was so worried about making a mistake that I wasn’t really trying. I wasn’t pushing my boundaries in the language because I didn’t want to embarrass myself. So rather than try, and mess up, I’d make excuses so people wouldn’t expect much of me.
Now, instead of immediately apologizing for my limitations, I do my best. And a whole new world is opening up for me. And you know what? I don’t think I’ve offended anyone’s ears yet. No one winces in pain over my grammatical errors, or when I try and fail to pronounce my Rs correctly. They accept me where I am, they love that I’m trying, and they fall all over themselves trying to help me improve.
What if I were to apply this throughout my life? What if, for example, I stopped apologizing for not being a runner? For not being a natural athlete? For not having a long, lithe body built for speed? What if I stopped apologizing for myself before I even tried?
I’m not sure what I want to do exercise-wise right now. Maybe get back to yoga. Perhaps C25K. Indoor rock-climbing? Maybe swimming, since the new pool minutes from my house should be opening in three weeks’ time. I’m not sure — suggestions are welcome 
But whatever I do, I want to really commit to it. And I want to do it without belittling myself. I’m not going to apologize — to others, but more importantly, to myself – about my lack of ability.
This is a new direction for me. I’ve made lots of physical changes in the last year or so. And a few mental changes. The mental changes have had by far the greater impact on my progress. And I think this change might be one of the biggest I’ve made to date.
I am SO proud of you, Karena. I can only imagine how scary it is to live in a country where you don’t speak the language. Trying to fit in and make friends. WOW. I’m proud of you for finally realizing what you needed to do and DOING IT full on. I’m so happy you’re finding acceptance and friends!!!
I’ve missed you, girl!
So on the exercise. I think you should find something you love. Don’t do it just because it’s what everyone else seems to be doing. Find something that’s fun. Something you don’t dread. Something you can love with your whole heart!!!
That’s the thing with C25K. I’m not sure that I really want to do it, so much as everyone I know seems to be jumping on the running bandwagon, and it seems the next step. Maybe I should go for a group exercise thing – that would continue my “meet people and stop being a wallflower” movement.
The indoor rock climbing beckons to me — not because I love it. But because I have a tremendous fear of heights and I am DETERMINED to conquer it at some point!
I don’t know what I can say that Christy didn’t already say! I am so proud of you for finally jumping in with 2 feet and embracing learning French. I would be scared shit-less to move to a country where I didn’t speak the language. Here you are taking college courses in it! Tres bien!
Thanks, Bari! I’m really proud too! I feel like I’m really making progress after years of stagnating.
EEEE such an exciting time!!
love the rock climbing idea. DO IT!!
are you going to come hold my hand while I do it? Because I can’t stand on a ladder and change a light bulb! It tasks me, and that’s why it’s made my short list!
i promise i’d be right there beside there if i could!
I’ve been wondering where the heck you’ve been!
I love the new things you are trying and am so proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone.
As far as the activities, I think you should just try something that interests you, until you find that “fit”. I think the idea you wrote below about trying a “group” activity is a great one, you will make friends AND exercise. Can’t beat that!
This may be my favorite post of yours, EVER! No apologies needed, EVER. Find what fits you and the rest will follow.
Dammit! That last comment? Was supposed to be here and not there. So just pretend I’m not an idiot and just read it while thinking about this post.
I cannot express to you how much I love you and how proud I am of you.
No apologies. Ever.
And I’ve missed you.
So proud of you for stepping outside of your comfort zone and getting out there and becoming YOU!! Can’t wait to hear all the changes you make as you continue moving past your comfort zone! As for new exercises…I think things that are easy on your joints (like swimming) would be great since you have had knee/ankle problems.
Sorry I’m just now getting here but *wow*. This was a really powerful post, Karena. I’m so proud of you for getting out of your shell, that is *really* hard to do. I’m so glad you’re starting to enjoy yourself!! And in the words of the great Mizfit, “unapologetically.” More of which I have to do too.